The glass...

This glass, a special glass, handle it with care. Its more fragile than any glasses you ever found. This glass is delicate, created before the time of Adam and Eve. Destiny was written on it, inside it, above it, below and all around. As time goes by, you would see it one after another.This glass is filled with life and humanity, faith and morality. The glass was not flimsy rather it owns the fragility in its beauty, given to each of us as the most precious gift the day we were brought into this world.

Today, one glass is back to where it belongs and so as the person who held it. Al Fatihah to a dear friend, Bibi Yasmin. She was strong in battling the leukimia. She fought with all her strength and yes, she won the battle. May Allah bless her soul and be granted a special place among the mukminin.

She was once, among us, who held this glass. But her glass was crystal clear that you could see every inch of the beauty of it. She was known to most as the happy-go-lucky person even the very day when she found out about her disease. I knew about it the month after that when she didnt attend most of the classes. She was, indeed the epitome of good things in life. Never hurt anyone, none bad things about the others ever been uttered. She was to me, a definition of a real good friend and she made life so simple, and I am pretty sure everyone who knows her envied that.

Looking back at the glass that we carry with us, it made me realize that this glass of mine isnt really as clear as I could see thru it. I'm taking this opportunity to look back at myself and the fragile glass that I am holding.. it may be taken away back to its place in the next second, the next hour, the next month or in years to come. Be it whenever that it is going to happen, I shall take care of it just as the way it was given to me and shall not let it shattered easily. And for that matter, I would like to appologize to friends, family and everyone for the things I did or said that may hurt all thru these years. For I am only like anyone else, born to make mistake.

May the Almighty inspire us all with peace and insight to help us understand the intricacies and complexities of this life.

What is your art?

A wise man said, life is an imitation of art. Some others prefers to see that life itself is an art. I agree. I see life as painting. Body is a canvas. The canvas that we paint the art of our lives. It doesnt matter how we paint it, we know no one leaves the canvas blank. Who we are is hardly defined by the colors we used. The art itself does not depend solely on colors. But the brush does play the role. Soul is the brush, the mechanism that controls the colors as we go through the journey creating our art.

Art is however subjective in definition. Every single things, ideas and emotions have their own art and we are not subjected to look at it in one direction. To feel the presence of ourselves is to get in touch with our being every second and to find the art hidden. The art of freedom to Coelho (the writer) is not the absence of commitments but lies in the choices of task that he made. Freedom to me is when we finally understand and ready to set free ourselves from defining things as what they are and who we are. We are everything that the universe has to offer.

It is hard to search the right answer of who we are. No one knows not even ourselves. But if we know what art we're carrying, the knowledge of the universe will certainly helps us to get to know our soul and the souls of the others. It'll guide us in making decisions, shaping our perceptions, and balancing between rational and emotion.

Officially 27 and loving every bit of it!

Alhamdullilah, at the time of writing this, i'm still alive and kickin'! Yes, I am officially 27 years old. A wise once said, "Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old". Indeed. I am grateful to be able to see and feel the most precious gift given by God, the beauty of life. If it had written there that I'll be gone in the next second, the next minute or hours..years.. you should know and let the others know that I have lived my life perfectly.

p/s: Thank you God, Thank you everyone...

A letter to you (hoping that you read it because I really want you to)

Dear Happiness..

I'm glad that I've opened up myself in knowing you. How are you? I'm doin' extremely good in here. Its all because of you. It took me a while to gain the trust in you, in knowing for what you really are, walking down the lane slowly, trying to understand you deeply. Its all worth it. Oh, did I mentioned, i'm doing really good in here? Oh yeah, I did.

I'm sorry for not be able to thank you earlier. I've been busy lately, trying to fill up each moment with good things around. The truth is, it isnt really that hard. In a way you've shown me that the good friend of yours, joy, exists in almost everything and everyone around me. I dont have to look further. The only thing I need is the sense of gratitude from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. I began to realize that being thankful for what God has given me, no matter how small those gift the others might think of it, it makes everything fall into place. It may not be the case of everything I planned work smoothly, but at least it is still on the track. Thank you Happiness.

They may said that I am what I am now is all because I'm in love. True and there is nothing wrong with it. I'm in love with love. Hey, isnt Love your old friend too? I've learn so much from Love. The most valuable lesson Love taught me is to feel the feeling, not to understand the meaning of it or trying to make sense out of theories made by anyone. Love has no boundaries in the sense of time and space. Love the past, the present and the future moment because only by then there will be the connection between the existence of the body and the soul. Live with no regrets, hate not for who you were in the past. Love said, i will find happiness once I understand the whole meaning of love. I did, didnt I? I've finally understood you. Few months back, I met someone and fell in love with him. We promised nothing but to make each other happy. Up till today, we still keep our words on it. Isnt it great? He knows you too, I guess. Do you? hmmm...

I guess that's all i could write to you for now. Hope i could write more sometimes in the future. Till then...

Love,
Izwa

The Unspoken Words of Love

LOVE is fitrah. A nature. No matter how much we tried to pull ourselves from it, just like a strong magnet it holds us back. Is it because God granted every each of His creations with hearts that we are bound to have it or is it because since we are the creations of Him that He puts part of His traits in us? Is love lies in the heart.. the heart that beats? What if it stops beating? Where the love goes? Does it change its form, then? I guess love doesnt come in specific shape, placed in specific spot. Love is like soul. Perhaps, love is one of the element in the soul. The soul never dies so does love.

A wise man told, love thyself before loving others. We humans are bunch of ignorance. We also like to take for granted for the things we presume we know. Take a time, feel the love within us, the love for ourselves and the love connection with the Universe. Love will take us to a whole new level, love is no longer a tangible thing that needs to be justified. Feel the feeling because no matter where the journey takes us, we know we have love surrounds to keep us warm and comfort us. Learn the essence of love before knowing what it takes to love the self..or the others.

The language of love, beyond holding hands, three words "I Love You", a song to be sing, it is a chemistry that not only flows within two souls but thru the entire waves in the universe. Hence when love strucks, everything seems to fall into places. Live each moment of it. Love condemns promises. Make no promise to another because love has no contracts, rules and no one is bind to the boundless emotion. Sell not the soul. embrace while we're at it and celebrate the precious gift of the heart.

Love the love..

The Art of Losing

Losing is hard and painful. But losing is not always a bad thing. It is a call. A call that tells us to look upon things and people we have and to realize that they are as much important as ourselves regardless it is in the past,the present or the future moment. It is also a sign of not taking for granted the existence of the things and people we have around us.

A place Called Here by Cecilia Ahern according to my sister is a beautiful story about a land where things and people we've lost are well-kept and living their lives. Ever wonder why we kept on losing one of our socks, each time? They are in this fantasy land where they belong in the first place. More than just bringing us to the imaginary world, the story tells us that sometimes we forgot that losing takes beyond the meaning of disconnecting ourselves from other things or other people. It is the act of letting go simply because they deserve to be in the place that they are destined to be.

People tend to lose things everyday in life. It is not because we are not meant to have it or that of a bad luck. Sometimes without realizing we often wish of having something more than what we have at the present moment. The Universe works its magic. In getting what we wish for, something else has to go. Mom lost her phone twice, the same brand and she then decided to get a different one. She loves it regardless how much we hated it. A dear friend lost his car back years go and he finally gets to drive the car he always wanted. Though it is nowhere near his dream car he is glad that he finally own a better one than he had previously.

Nature tells us that life is a cycle. Youth is the best moment for everyone. Those who are afraid of losing this phase shall not live. Losing youth is not a sign of that death is one step ahead. It broadens our definition about living the life. A moment is as important as the other. The feeling of losing youth happen to those who couldnt find the meaning of happiness in each moment they live, each things they do and all the people they meet. Losing is a moment when they miss the second chance given.

Losing someone dearly is tragic enough but losing the faith in God for what has been written is worse. It doesnt matter whether it was a mistake made by the hospital, a conspiracy of the others or taken by someone who decided to play the role of a Creator, its all just a storyline to get to the final end of the chapter in their lives. We who live shall alway keep the faith in Him until our story is fully written.

The brother i knew

Life and death is part of the game in our lives. I constantly remind myself that i shouldn't dwell myself too much in the death denying culture, death is scary. No it is not. Befriend with death, that's whut i told. Setiap yang hidup pasti akan mati, kematian itu benar..thats whut i heard in talqin at every funeral i attend. But to swallow the fact is another thing. Its bitter, its painful and it certainly moves u to a different phase for certain period of time. But someone dearly used to say, the mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death. But, death becomes him..

Perhaps its true. The mystery of love is much more greater than anything else in this world. He was the epitome of all the beautiful things on earth with so much love and passion for everyone and in everything he did. The brother that i knew never complains of any of his bad condition. Everytime we were in the hospital he kept being positive and kept convincing us things are going to be fine. And that when things are good, we would the whole family go for a vacation. He made us believe in it. We believed it even at the last moment before he was put on anesthetic. His last word was 'dun worry, things are going to be okay' before saying the kalimah syahada..

His strength, his positive mind, his passion, his strong faith in Allah and his love, are his great legacy. Al Fatihah dear bro Syed Ahmad Nawal.. we'll miss u so much.

the blank space

Every heart has a space to be filled. It doesnt matter in what form or what kind of a desire, as long as it is not left empty. Empty space creates a flaw, we believed. Somehow we tend to forget the more we tried to fill these empty spaces, the more we feel we're not good enough.

In some circumstances, we urge ourselves to find someone else to fill up the space for us. When that happens it may feels like the space gets bigger than it already is. The truth is, nothing and no one can help us in it.

Perhaps the blank space is meant to be the way it is. Blank. Maybe only then we find the true meaning of peace and serenity.

The Stillness

Everyday I hear friends making a fuss about work, the boring same old routine, being trapped in life that leave them no choice but to keep on with it. Each day seems painful to go through. Escapism does exists but for a short while. Happiness is a temporary, they said. Reality sucks, as they put it. Little that they know, by creating this vibe they are actually welcoming more bad energy. Cliche theory, you might say. Yes it is a theory but how hard can it be when you try to put it into practice. Keeping the good vibe. When it happens, you will be pulling more good energy. Living the life is not so much about what we receive rather, what we give. What you give, you get back. Hear that.. its even in Scorpion song.

Is human really a complex creature? We often want things we dont need. We want drama to happen once in a while and when it does, again, we wish it happen to somebody else. Wake up, we are no difference than others.

If there is one thing we should learn by hard is to take a time, dwell ourselves in the stillness moment. Some people put it as taffakur or meditation in any other form based on the custom or religious belief. The stillness moment is not as hard as it seems if we dont believe in sitting and closing the eyes. Its probably a symbolic way of being in that state.

We may be caught up with work and crisis that we forgot we are an entity that stands alone separated from other tangible elements. This separated entity knows it needs the moment of stillness because in that presence, the moment never lie of what state we are in, what we really need and what we really want. The stillness goes different direction from meditation, questioning our presence in the universe and the purpose of existence but making us indulging ourselves as part of the universe for a moment, appreciating each second that we are in and making the best of each moment no matter how bad it may seems. More than identifying the moment itself, it makes us feel the real feeling. Letting ourselves to feel the pain, the joy and the serenity that come all at once. All that exists in the stillness state are the wide space and our physical and spiritual presence and nothing else. Would it be hard to pick up the pieces of the missing puzzle when the only thing that exist is ourselves in an empty space? Would it still be hard to identify the crisis within ourselves when we are in the moment of transparency?

We do need the stillness moment because inside each of us we are all craving for answers.
Perhaps its just that we do not prefer to take the time moving ourselves out of the circle of the comfort zone. Living in denial seems more practical. We rather choose to be masochist, constantly hurting ourselves and make believe that it eventually will be okay. But what is good for the body is not necessary good for the soul.

Sherine Khalil, Athena and Nurul Izwa

On our first meeting, I was surprised that he could actually sumise in depth beyond other's understanding of whom I really am. That was before he introduced me to Sherine Khalil, the woman who prefers herself to be known as Athena.. a name of one of the Greek Goddess. We both have a lot in common. The difference between she and I, is the truth that we hold on to. She dares to meet with it and I dont. Some things are better left unknown. You see, its easy to be honest with others but to do that to yourself.. It takes a whole new perception and definition of what we are. What are we?

I'm a non-comformist so I rather not confirm myself to anything but rather let loose myself in everything. We are the constituent of the universe.. Everything has connection to one and another... more than that we share common traits. God-like traits are in us because we are His creature. definition limits our potential in every way. Whose idea was it in the first place I wonder... Athena understands that. Probably i understands her beyond the understanding within this limitation that defines her. We both have strong connection.. which sometimes scares me. Truth always scares me. note: I am not an existentialist.

What are we? Thats the question that lingers in us from time to time. If ever someone ask me that, here's the answer.. we are made of energy. Of course we are. Everything is made of energy. Energy evolve..reforms, change forms.. everything. Believing in this, I accept changes with open arms. Changes is good. Athena agreed. We both know, its not the drama, its not the past and it nothing to do with the environment that make us change. Ourselves a few second ago.. a few hours ago is different than ourselves at the present and will be different in the next few seconds, minutes.. hours later. Time is illusion, u dont feel it. Time is an illusion as we both agreed. All that exist is space. Wide space for us to be whoever we want to be. This is the real freedom that we sometimes overlooked. Why? Perhaps because we're so busy to fill in the blanks in us. Not every empty space needs to be filled. Let it remain empty. What space?! Didnt u know, u're preeched to be truthful... transparent. An overrated idea that makes this life seems so intense to live on. We dont need to answer everything about life. Let some be a mystery. I bet she would agree with me. Or not!

Athena was taught that we destroy and rebuild ourselves from time to time..we have the same pattern going on in life; lost and found, hate and love..from being in well-structured system to a complete out of the system. She was taught.. i had to discover that on my own. The common that we have is we accept it and dwell totally in it. Be in a complete presence and totally aware of the being. It drenched us sometimes but there's beauty in it.

Athena.. she danced but in a complete rhythmless motion. She said that it is the way of provoking a presence without any artificial means. I did (different form.. not dance) and I did it way before i met her. It was hard.. u see, that is our biggest fear. To do something completely out of norm.. out of the routine. we get intimidated so easily by it because we're so used to 'the system'. The system takes over our lives. I wasnt aware of what I did and the purpose I did it but I know it was the joy that I was addicted to... now that she made it clear, I wanted to feel every inch of this presence. Roasted chicken with chocolate syrup, tuna sandwich with peanut butter and jelly and fries dipped in vanila ice cream. I found something beyond this complete presence... the happiness within, the joy of every inch of my fear and the complete possibility of being a person called 'self'. I am the one who has the right to open the door of this possibility and no one else...

I'm glad he introduced me to her. more than knowing another person, he made me understand completely about who i am. thanks...

Single Stigma

Why does being single is always associated with being cursed? You are single and u are labelled as a person with some kind of a flaw. Walking around the street or sitting alone while enjoying the solitary moment and suddenly the eyes were looking, judging. In other case, being single is viewed as the only option that is left... big 'L' on the forehead that is.

Single is an option. An individual option that is, not in the society. But what does single means? Is it just a person with no love life, not being in a steady relationship or not in a relationship at all? It never occurs to me that being single has its own impact. A stigma, just like divorcee, widow, u name it. A dear friend who is single for many years, was complaining that Malaysian society are somewhat shallow in this notion. Parents kept on pushing her in finding her so-called soulmate as if the world is about to blow at anytime soon. As if they were afraid that when the time comes the leader of a tribe would take her as a sacrifice for a ritual. In a different situation, she was sitting alone in the middle of a crowd, with bunch of single girls and guys around (who came in groups) when suddenly she noticed that she was the center of attraction. It was definitely not the kind of attraction that we always want from strangers. It was as if there were voices mocking her present. The beauty of solitude crushed instantly. She knew at that moment, everyone noticed the status card that she was holding. S-I-N-G-L-E and it was a bad sign!

It is such an idiotic idea to perceive that people who choose to be single are those with flaws.. worse than those in a relationship. Only ignorants would view being single as being depressed, living a melancholic life with unhealthy state of mind. Cliche... its all cliche.

Forgiving and Forgetting

The act of forgiving a person who may have hurt us is seen as a noble thing to do. Forgetting it is another issue or another process. A good person is usually defined as one who can really forgive and forget things. It is difficult to say that whether the person is an evil or good by his or her reaction towards the idea both idea forgiving n forget. Some says it depends on how bad the scar have they left to us.

Hurt. How do we measure it? By the act that has been done upon us or the effect of it? It does has a connection with our capability of forgiving and forgetting things that a person did to us. We do forgive and forget little things that might cause us pain. But again, this is very subjective in its idea. Feelings are varies from one to another. How do we know that some things should be forgiven and some does not even deserve a second chance? Forgetting may take a longer time or may not at all compared to forgiving . Thus, we view that forgive and forget as two seperate entities. Are they, really?

I do believe that being humane is not just about what we contribute to the others, physically. Being humane is not only how we present ourselves to the others with the idea that we are very ethical in every aspect of life. Beyond that, humane takes us deeper than what we can see. The first step is to acknowledge ourselves as a person who is willingly to accept the notion of forgiving and forgetting, starting with ourselves. Instead of blaming our parents who are responsibled in shaping our bad worldview and negative ideas of certain things as the way it is, we should forgive them and forgive ourselves for it. Only then we can really move on to the next process, forgetting and thus, have a clear mind. When we have clear conscience, it doesnt matter how bad things can really hurt us, it can easily be forgiven and forgetten.

When I began to practise the act of forgiving and forgetting, the infinite beauty of being happy suddenly becomes clear. Forgiving someone and forgetting for what has been done is more than just about changing the personality within myself. The clear state of mind is what really matters the most. It is priceless. Only by then that everything else comes easily. On top of that not only it I attract good things for myself but it also attracts me to good vibes with other people.
Forgiving and forgetting is however a matter of choices. By not doing it, it is not an evil act. I've seen the two sides of the paths and each leads to different possibilities. But, there is no point of putting a grudge too long on someone. Deep down inside our heart we know it will definitely leave us feeling incomplete.

Goodbye old thoughts

A dear friend used to tell me that he likes tragic things.. he wanted drama in his life.I may not understand why but i know that people are naturally sadist.. probably masochist.I supposed being in a hospital isnt tragic enough for him. But then again, I wouldnt know. Hospital is the only place where you can see humanity at its best.. i think. Hospital is a place where u see love, compassion, hope, new beginning, end of another chapter of life. Pelik kan.. how we all view the same thing differently.

I've been thru so many things for the past years but i must admit that it was a chain from the old thought that i had. Eversince I lost a dear one in a car crash, I felt insecure...I cared so much about people around me. I lived in fear. Hence throughout the 7 years of being together with my ex fiance I kept reminding him to text me everytime he reached home. Sometimes he remembered, sometimes he didnt. Most of the time he ignored it. Prolly annoyed by the same ol' thing. I was a broken radio to him. I wouldnt blame him per se.I never told him why.. I never talked about it to anyone, I refused to reckon it as a trauma. That was a mistake. A dear friend told me I should not select my reality instead acknowledge every single event to help me moving on..

The old thoughts taught me that I must not be emotionally dependent even though at timesI felt that I'm very much fragile. The old thought said, ifI dont, I'll be crushed when he leaves me. Just like any other relationship before him. And because I kept having the thought... he left, even worse for some lame reason. So i told a dear friend, his past thought creates his present. If he kept thinking everyone being untrue and unfaithful, he gets what he wish for. U can actually do nothing about old thoughts except live out the past experiences they caused.

To a dear friend.. I learn now that resentment brings u nothing but pain... change is a natural law and for that i welcome it.. I hope u do too.

May the Almighty inspire us all with peace and insight to help us understand the intricacies and complexities of this life He has blessed us with and show us wisdom through His mercy and grace..ameen.

A Political Person We Are

Thoughts..view and opinion. Whatever we called it, definition goes beyond the meaning. We are all political person be it whether we voiced out our ideas or choose to be in silent. It doesnt take one to be seated in the parliament to have a political attitude. As I mentioned before the meaning goes beyond the social definition, it is how we deal with the nature, with life, with the people around us and most importantly with ourselves.

Pro-choice, pro life, anti-homosexual, anti-establishment, vegan, meat-lover, environmentalist, socialist, capitalist, fundamentalist and the list goes on. These are what we choose and by choosing to confirm to one definition, we shaped our identity thus it creates a worldview that response to the surroundings. This is a political attitude.

A person like me who choose not to confirm myself to any definition in life rather dwell myself closely to the nature being and move myself in the wave, does make me a political person too. The difference between me and them is the limitation of the notion of life itself. I am somewhat free from this limitation and possibility. I believe that by defining and confirming one self to a particular group or particular idea, the sense of freedom hasnt yet reach its true meaning.

However, there is nothing wrong of confirming oneself to anything. What really matters is that our view should be aligned with the nature or fitrah of our being because what is good for the body isnt necessary good for the soul. In this worldly life, the soul and the body can never be enemy..

Love is..

Love. A simple notion and simple emotion that has been twisted into being a complex idea. what is love? how to love? whom to love? The capitalists make money out of it. boom!! bestseller.. best film of the year perhaps the century, and the great philospher were or are born out of it. yet, less and less people enjoy the company of love, and some.. even lost in its translation. The 'complexity' of love continues to evolve thru decades, new theories rises from the definition.

As Coelho said, 'love simply is'. The problem with us, human, we tend to believe that everything needs to be defined including LOVE. We rather recognized definition given than believing that we are born with it. even if we are aware this gift of God, we feel that we need a kind of mechanism to let it grow inside us. why? simply because throughout generations we are taught that life has certain rules and in order to be seen a complete 'civilized' creature we need to follow this rules.. and in order to fit in, we need to agree with the social definition.

Love lies independently. free from any definition. It evolves, changes form and transforms just like us; we are made of energy. love is a form of energy. Let it runs by itself and you will see the other beautiful infinite side of life.

I may not be a doctor love but it is clear to me that loving someone is the second step in the process of life. To love someone is to be able to separate ourselves from the other person. "You complete me" or "you are part of me" is totally an absurd idea! We are not part of them and they are not part of us. We are born complete with all sets of emotions. When love strikes, it is these separate entity that works together in harmonizing the nature. connection of self and the surrounding... the nature and the universe is what love is all about. we're after all the constituent of the universe.

The 'complexity' of love rises when we dwell too much into the other entity and lose ourselves completely in it. then comes the notion "i'm lost without you..". the world falls apart and one entity paralyze. as a result.. Love is nothing but time dragging and pain.

Let the love flows in us and it will keep flowing no matter under what circumstances we might be in. Love is not to be defined but to be felt.. because love is ... free

social definition.. i'm out!

those who read my posts must have been sick and tired hearing me embracing love.. love.. love. yeah we all know whut it means. or are we? in Vicky Christina Barcelona, the man didnt publish his writing simply because he doesn't think people deserve to witness his greatness. because "after thousands of years of civilization, they still haven't learned to love ...

Coelho in his celebration of the emotion defined it as love simply is.

yes, love simply is. no measure of space and time. no pressure of surroundings and people. no high or low..

its the stillness and the stillness is what we are missing. civilization pulled all the energy away by defining it, by discriminating those who view outside the system. screw the system!!! it creates nothing but prisoner. we are prisoner of our own creation.

we are so used to defining things that we almost forgot how to be free. the truth, the freedom that we are looking for is not from others, from the outside world but within us. free to love and let be loved.

"i love you and i'm in love with you". "yes i'm so in love with you too."

"so... (long pause) what's next?"... *smile* "no, the question is what are we now?"

short silent.. "well, we can not have any declaration.. no terms use, no paper sign (said he, jokingly)" and she replied "i like that".

because love simply is....

he's so damn right!

very seldom u find a writer who can describe the emotional level so explicitly that u think he someohow has god-like intuition. Coelho just did it. By the River Piedra I sat down and wept is another beautiful well-written masterpiece of him. at one occasion when Pilar the center character in this story had a doubt, worrying her action may stir a chaos to the villagers (as an old man warned her not to enter the church), her man simply told her not to fall into 'playing a role'. what is playing a role.. she asked.

u see, it happen to us too most of the time. as he described.. playing a role, are those who always have to be doing battle with someone else, and sometimes even with themselves, battling with their own lives. thus, they create a kind of play in their head and they write the script based on their frustration. however they cannot play it all by themselves so they begin to invite other actors to join in.. as a result when we agreed to bind to certain rules given, to just listen to others' criticism on us, we are part of the role playing... see.. Coelho is so damn brilliant!

he continued describing that when others make us believe we're the victim or make us behave like victims; complaining about the unfairness of life and ask us to agree, to offer advice, to participate, it means we are also invited in playing a role. if we accept this we will always wind up losing.

uhhh ..Coelho is just superb!

in a trance...

lovely day today.. its windy and a moment ago i enjoyed my salmon salad with chili lime dressing. it was a bit pedas but heck... it was good. holding a phone on one hand texting J and waited for his reply with a smile and texted him back with a smile. didnt bother to use the knife to cut the salmon nor the salad. i used hand. kita kan malaysian. hehehehe. the cherry tomato was good.. i simply luvvvv cherry tomato. the ice lemon tea was also heavenly. uhhh nothing could be more perfect than this..

thank u J..

weekend was good. food sucks even the creme brulee.. urghh! but theres nothing more exciting than meeting a good friend, cute adorable one.hahahahaha (mampus kalau he read this one!). J and i had planned earlier to exchange some readings and we did. sorry J, i should have lend u my One Hundred Years of Solitude. Gabriel Garcia Marques is more like Paulo Coelho. anyway thanks for The Witch of Portobello. as i told him, i dont just like it but in love with it. i love the story, love the character, the words and the ideas. i was in trance.. (doesnt need a dance to be in one). it hit me reading pages after pages. Athena resembles me. it surprised me that J even said the same thing. 'u actually reminds me of Athena'. *gulp* thank god.. thank god finally someone hit the exact spot. he understands.. now i know 'psychotic' is just a definition of someone who are lack of mental vocabs.. even Dr Aman. hmmphhh.

i got myself a copy of it. not for keep. i know i'll be addicted to it. u see, good books are like someone u wanna get close to or to get to know better. it has layers. each time u're with it, it gives u a different experience, different feelings, different sense of emotion.. probably it gets u horny.. bwahahahaha (never experience that though). once u get attach to it... its pretty hard to look for the other. until u feel that, there is no way u can judge it or create ur own idea about it. okay maybe the only person who really knows whut i'm actually talking about is J. i dont really need many to understand that, anyway.

i'm so excited to finish it to know the end but at the same time not wanting it to last.. like the Paddington dessert, Italianies Creme Brulee or sex even (hahahaha when was the last time i really enjoy it?!). thanks dear friend. its inspiring but more than that it really filled up the blank space. *u know what i'm talking about, dont u*

p/s: now i'm beginning to think if i have Gypsie blood runs in my veins.

Aman.. peace..the epitomy of all good things

Aman is another good friend for keep. probably if i have a big cupboard enough space to stuff this guy in i would. very inspiring guy, he sometimes can be a really pain in the ass with his truth (not entirely right bout the whole thing but seriously it can be ouch). i 've alway imagine the world would be not only a better place to live but heavenly if there's 100 of them like him. Aman cant be categorized as human being (at least thats whut i told him).. he should be an abstract, a concept or maybe a voice.. muse. like when u have him in ur cupboard.. and when u're down just open it (with enya song as background). no words needed and u'll be okay.

he might think i'm just another girl who need him to hang on to whenever i'm having emotional breakdown but the truth is, i got someone else for that. Aman taught me a lot about things in a very short period time. he got me thinking about spirituality seriously. thats whut i need. maybe he was right, i dont have that many friends whom i can turn to for this matter. i do actually. i tried to keep myself away from them.i actually cut them off from my list. it was like a blasphemy. okay i know thats evil. yikes!!!

if there is one thing i hate about him that would be the fact that he likes to analyze people... even me as his friend. i knew he did it on purpose but thats pretty much his nature i guess, a doctor. "u know what nurul, u have characters, so many ideas, brilliant yet psychotic and tragic", thats whut he said. i laughed so hard that i forgot i was sick at that moment he called all the way from UK. speak for urself Aman! he's even tragic than i am and probably i didnt want to say it out loud for the reason i might hurt his feeling. that would be the last thing i want to do now. hey, u'll never know when u're leaving this earth. hurting other people so deeply and not feeling sorry for it would not be in the list of things to do before i die. okay he did admit though we both two tragic people but i have a strong believe he's even worse than i am. heh!

he's coming back in june and if i'm still alive we would probably go backpacking together with sheena. he wanted to introduce me to his gf. i really look foward to it.. time will tell.

the many faces of aloneness

the famous scarlet letter A that once stood for 'Adultery' might now be said to stand for 'Alone'. a few month ago my best friends and i had a conversation about a woman being alone and to us, its seems pretty normal having that kind of life. we're the women who are basically examplifies many women today; independent, having respect to our worldly accomplishments, education, career status and having the ability to earn a decent living. however, we're also the other half who has no fear of aloneness. to be alone afterall, is a breeding ground for thought.

the problem with women today and probably the stigma in the society is that women alone is statusless, an outcast. bullshit! alone means u're able to self-identified as being an entity without feeling that u have to gauge ur desire according to men standard of measurement. instead of asking 'what does he want me to be?' we ask 'who are we?' and instead of asking 'what does he wants from me?' we ask 'what do i want for myself'. i lost myself in the 7 of being with someone.. only towards the end of my relationship that i realized being a woman alone is not virtually a euphemism for being flawed. falling in love is not an escapism of the aloness that i feared.

although the acceptance of aloneness can be hard for both women and men there is still one essential difference prevails. men who are alone are not marginalized. if anything , they are mythologized. solitary males have a heroic patina. and FUCK that!!!!

the most important question for women both within marriage and without including those who sculpt their own kind of 'marriage' is that whether the society respect our rights, encourage us to feel our own worth and protect us? being able to answer this, we are indeed able to redress our marginalized state.

p/s: aloness is not a pusnishment and a condemnation. it is a resource and an opportunity for growth and transformation.

The road without a map

... life that is. No map. You'll never know where your stopping point would be, you'll never know what lies ahead except few km in front, no sign of speed limit and no dead end. There is never gonna be a dead end. Thats the beauty of this road for a traveller like me.
I used to believe that by achieving something or by getting what i really wanted, I've reached my destination. Boy, how wrong tht was! It is just a transit not a destination. People get sick, depressed, dwelled themselves in melancholic situation, lost track of their journey few times and thought that they probably should take the simplest route. Why cant we set ourselves aside out of the road instead, take a time to figure out. Not on how to get back on track but to analyze on what we can learn in the next transit, the next few kilometres ahead. Nature doesnt happen twice. I believe that the wind that blew yesterday isnt going to be the same wind that blows today.

Ever wonder what will happen if we were given the map the day we were born? Is it possible that we would remember Him when we 'll be so caught up with things, busy running our lives accordingly.. finding the best route, avoiding the pain as best as we could, manipulating situation for the sake of our best interest. Are we not doing those things now.. even without the map?

The truth is, we dont really need a map. Faith is all we need. God created everything and He knows best about His creation. We may not have the exact same route with one another in this life but we do have the exact same best Guidance to go through the journey.

recovery to discovery...

as i was listening to Eric Benet's Hurricane, it suddenly hit me that this guy is a genius. he knows exactly whut i feel and what i've been trying to say out loud all this while..

Surrounded by everything I want.

But nothing that I need

I was blinded by the absurdity

Losing all identity

Sometimes what you fear the most is what you need

To find that road

Right around that curve a lesson learned

Now that I have the eyes to see

i forgot my principle and what i valued the most in life, satisfaction in things i learn. i wouldnt blame him per se. it was my choice. i dwelled myself in his life.. loved him too much tht i completely abandoned myself. his ideal of happiness lies in material things. the truth is, i never cared those things. i cant never imagine myself living in a duplex and feel contented. i hardly imagine myself driving Meseratti and feeling like i'm at the top of the world. does that make me unambitious? there's more in life to look at in terms of satisfaction than having luxury car and house or earn money more than the rest and becomes the idol in that sense. knowledge, spiritual balance is all i want. i was too afraid to admit it.

a dear friend has really opened my eyes. from him i learn to get up and be myself again. probably now it gives me a whole new perspective towards changes, self-acceptance and the real meaning of self-love. it has nothing to do with selfishness at all. they said, love changes form and i'd say they are damn right about it.

insyallah i'll be continuing my studies in June. there's a lot of things too that i need to learn and things i'm yet to discover. i'm not afraid of the facts, the truth and the consequesnces. i'm welcoming challenges with open arms because only by that it enables the ruh and the jasd to be connected in the same wave.

time is an illusion

i constantly remind myself that time is an illusion. when u want something so bad, its not the matter of how long the process takes. let Allah determines that. our job is to do what it takes to get what we want. i was a big procrastinator till something so hard hit me. probably i deserved that to recogn my existence and to find the true happiness that lies within.

a dear friend, Sheena used to quote from Sex & The City when Charlotte said it takes half of the years of the relationship to heal a broken heart. i supposed in my case, it'll take 3 years to fully recover since i've been in 6 years and a half of relationship. that long huh! i dont think i wanna suffer that long. i can achieve a lot within three years if i dont moan over a fickle- minded douchebag who tried to crushed me down.

there is no manual of healing a broken heart except self-consciousness. hehehe.. even if there is a manual for it, that's just for commercial. just like any other wound, this wound takes a process to heal but u can never dwell urself too much in it. even ourselves doesnt solely belong to us. so it wouldnt be fair to crush and destroy what has been loaned to us from Allah. i took a time.. a short period of time to feel the pain and taste the reality that fed me. probably i was born a masochist that i wanted to feel it to the max and be in that fear before i decided to get up and move on. there was no better solution than being so close to myself. friends can give u the courage but at the end of the day u can only hang to urself for strength. face the music and dance.

who says history tells you nothing but the past?! Hiroshima was badly destroyed and the people suffered. but they managed to rise up and even intimidate some of the most powerful countries. lets just imagine if the Hiroshima case happened in Msia.. hahahhaa. die laa! we are way too much pampered. just like our feelings. if we pampered it and let ourselves drown in the emotion, it eventually eats us up like bad cells... that turns cancerous. knowing what we want is much more important than to figure out how are we going to deal with it. i know that i want to heal but i completely have no clue on how. thats not my job to think of. Allah knows what i want and He'll show me the way. in fact He already show some. one door close millions would open.

within these few days i have so many things going on that i finally understand what ' things happen for reasons' is all about. my proposal to the Education Department has been approved.. i didnt expect it considering the economic situation now but it did. we're signing up a 1.8 million of one year contract to run a program with them. too good to be true..thats what i had in mind but i had enough of telling myself i dont deserve a good thing in life. if this is the case and it happen too soon, thats just my old mind thinking. u see, we always defined things that we want by measuring it to the period of time. social definition.. and where does it takes u? naaa.. i'm moving out of the circle. if i want my dream duplex or my meserati and imagine i have the ability to have it, i will have it and it doesnt necessarily after 10 years or so. i believe the concept since i've wanted to lose the memory of the 7 years so badly and i have lost most of it now. time is just an illusion.