recovery to discovery...

as i was listening to Eric Benet's Hurricane, it suddenly hit me that this guy is a genius. he knows exactly whut i feel and what i've been trying to say out loud all this while..

Surrounded by everything I want.

But nothing that I need

I was blinded by the absurdity

Losing all identity

Sometimes what you fear the most is what you need

To find that road

Right around that curve a lesson learned

Now that I have the eyes to see

i forgot my principle and what i valued the most in life, satisfaction in things i learn. i wouldnt blame him per se. it was my choice. i dwelled myself in his life.. loved him too much tht i completely abandoned myself. his ideal of happiness lies in material things. the truth is, i never cared those things. i cant never imagine myself living in a duplex and feel contented. i hardly imagine myself driving Meseratti and feeling like i'm at the top of the world. does that make me unambitious? there's more in life to look at in terms of satisfaction than having luxury car and house or earn money more than the rest and becomes the idol in that sense. knowledge, spiritual balance is all i want. i was too afraid to admit it.

a dear friend has really opened my eyes. from him i learn to get up and be myself again. probably now it gives me a whole new perspective towards changes, self-acceptance and the real meaning of self-love. it has nothing to do with selfishness at all. they said, love changes form and i'd say they are damn right about it.

insyallah i'll be continuing my studies in June. there's a lot of things too that i need to learn and things i'm yet to discover. i'm not afraid of the facts, the truth and the consequesnces. i'm welcoming challenges with open arms because only by that it enables the ruh and the jasd to be connected in the same wave.

time is an illusion

i constantly remind myself that time is an illusion. when u want something so bad, its not the matter of how long the process takes. let Allah determines that. our job is to do what it takes to get what we want. i was a big procrastinator till something so hard hit me. probably i deserved that to recogn my existence and to find the true happiness that lies within.

a dear friend, Sheena used to quote from Sex & The City when Charlotte said it takes half of the years of the relationship to heal a broken heart. i supposed in my case, it'll take 3 years to fully recover since i've been in 6 years and a half of relationship. that long huh! i dont think i wanna suffer that long. i can achieve a lot within three years if i dont moan over a fickle- minded douchebag who tried to crushed me down.

there is no manual of healing a broken heart except self-consciousness. hehehe.. even if there is a manual for it, that's just for commercial. just like any other wound, this wound takes a process to heal but u can never dwell urself too much in it. even ourselves doesnt solely belong to us. so it wouldnt be fair to crush and destroy what has been loaned to us from Allah. i took a time.. a short period of time to feel the pain and taste the reality that fed me. probably i was born a masochist that i wanted to feel it to the max and be in that fear before i decided to get up and move on. there was no better solution than being so close to myself. friends can give u the courage but at the end of the day u can only hang to urself for strength. face the music and dance.

who says history tells you nothing but the past?! Hiroshima was badly destroyed and the people suffered. but they managed to rise up and even intimidate some of the most powerful countries. lets just imagine if the Hiroshima case happened in Msia.. hahahhaa. die laa! we are way too much pampered. just like our feelings. if we pampered it and let ourselves drown in the emotion, it eventually eats us up like bad cells... that turns cancerous. knowing what we want is much more important than to figure out how are we going to deal with it. i know that i want to heal but i completely have no clue on how. thats not my job to think of. Allah knows what i want and He'll show me the way. in fact He already show some. one door close millions would open.

within these few days i have so many things going on that i finally understand what ' things happen for reasons' is all about. my proposal to the Education Department has been approved.. i didnt expect it considering the economic situation now but it did. we're signing up a 1.8 million of one year contract to run a program with them. too good to be true..thats what i had in mind but i had enough of telling myself i dont deserve a good thing in life. if this is the case and it happen too soon, thats just my old mind thinking. u see, we always defined things that we want by measuring it to the period of time. social definition.. and where does it takes u? naaa.. i'm moving out of the circle. if i want my dream duplex or my meserati and imagine i have the ability to have it, i will have it and it doesnt necessarily after 10 years or so. i believe the concept since i've wanted to lose the memory of the 7 years so badly and i have lost most of it now. time is just an illusion.