in a trance...

lovely day today.. its windy and a moment ago i enjoyed my salmon salad with chili lime dressing. it was a bit pedas but heck... it was good. holding a phone on one hand texting J and waited for his reply with a smile and texted him back with a smile. didnt bother to use the knife to cut the salmon nor the salad. i used hand. kita kan malaysian. hehehehe. the cherry tomato was good.. i simply luvvvv cherry tomato. the ice lemon tea was also heavenly. uhhh nothing could be more perfect than this..

thank u J..

weekend was good. food sucks even the creme brulee.. urghh! but theres nothing more exciting than meeting a good friend, cute adorable one.hahahahaha (mampus kalau he read this one!). J and i had planned earlier to exchange some readings and we did. sorry J, i should have lend u my One Hundred Years of Solitude. Gabriel Garcia Marques is more like Paulo Coelho. anyway thanks for The Witch of Portobello. as i told him, i dont just like it but in love with it. i love the story, love the character, the words and the ideas. i was in trance.. (doesnt need a dance to be in one). it hit me reading pages after pages. Athena resembles me. it surprised me that J even said the same thing. 'u actually reminds me of Athena'. *gulp* thank god.. thank god finally someone hit the exact spot. he understands.. now i know 'psychotic' is just a definition of someone who are lack of mental vocabs.. even Dr Aman. hmmphhh.

i got myself a copy of it. not for keep. i know i'll be addicted to it. u see, good books are like someone u wanna get close to or to get to know better. it has layers. each time u're with it, it gives u a different experience, different feelings, different sense of emotion.. probably it gets u horny.. bwahahahaha (never experience that though). once u get attach to it... its pretty hard to look for the other. until u feel that, there is no way u can judge it or create ur own idea about it. okay maybe the only person who really knows whut i'm actually talking about is J. i dont really need many to understand that, anyway.

i'm so excited to finish it to know the end but at the same time not wanting it to last.. like the Paddington dessert, Italianies Creme Brulee or sex even (hahahaha when was the last time i really enjoy it?!). thanks dear friend. its inspiring but more than that it really filled up the blank space. *u know what i'm talking about, dont u*

p/s: now i'm beginning to think if i have Gypsie blood runs in my veins.

Aman.. peace..the epitomy of all good things

Aman is another good friend for keep. probably if i have a big cupboard enough space to stuff this guy in i would. very inspiring guy, he sometimes can be a really pain in the ass with his truth (not entirely right bout the whole thing but seriously it can be ouch). i 've alway imagine the world would be not only a better place to live but heavenly if there's 100 of them like him. Aman cant be categorized as human being (at least thats whut i told him).. he should be an abstract, a concept or maybe a voice.. muse. like when u have him in ur cupboard.. and when u're down just open it (with enya song as background). no words needed and u'll be okay.

he might think i'm just another girl who need him to hang on to whenever i'm having emotional breakdown but the truth is, i got someone else for that. Aman taught me a lot about things in a very short period time. he got me thinking about spirituality seriously. thats whut i need. maybe he was right, i dont have that many friends whom i can turn to for this matter. i do actually. i tried to keep myself away from them.i actually cut them off from my list. it was like a blasphemy. okay i know thats evil. yikes!!!

if there is one thing i hate about him that would be the fact that he likes to analyze people... even me as his friend. i knew he did it on purpose but thats pretty much his nature i guess, a doctor. "u know what nurul, u have characters, so many ideas, brilliant yet psychotic and tragic", thats whut he said. i laughed so hard that i forgot i was sick at that moment he called all the way from UK. speak for urself Aman! he's even tragic than i am and probably i didnt want to say it out loud for the reason i might hurt his feeling. that would be the last thing i want to do now. hey, u'll never know when u're leaving this earth. hurting other people so deeply and not feeling sorry for it would not be in the list of things to do before i die. okay he did admit though we both two tragic people but i have a strong believe he's even worse than i am. heh!

he's coming back in june and if i'm still alive we would probably go backpacking together with sheena. he wanted to introduce me to his gf. i really look foward to it.. time will tell.

the many faces of aloneness

the famous scarlet letter A that once stood for 'Adultery' might now be said to stand for 'Alone'. a few month ago my best friends and i had a conversation about a woman being alone and to us, its seems pretty normal having that kind of life. we're the women who are basically examplifies many women today; independent, having respect to our worldly accomplishments, education, career status and having the ability to earn a decent living. however, we're also the other half who has no fear of aloneness. to be alone afterall, is a breeding ground for thought.

the problem with women today and probably the stigma in the society is that women alone is statusless, an outcast. bullshit! alone means u're able to self-identified as being an entity without feeling that u have to gauge ur desire according to men standard of measurement. instead of asking 'what does he want me to be?' we ask 'who are we?' and instead of asking 'what does he wants from me?' we ask 'what do i want for myself'. i lost myself in the 7 of being with someone.. only towards the end of my relationship that i realized being a woman alone is not virtually a euphemism for being flawed. falling in love is not an escapism of the aloness that i feared.

although the acceptance of aloneness can be hard for both women and men there is still one essential difference prevails. men who are alone are not marginalized. if anything , they are mythologized. solitary males have a heroic patina. and FUCK that!!!!

the most important question for women both within marriage and without including those who sculpt their own kind of 'marriage' is that whether the society respect our rights, encourage us to feel our own worth and protect us? being able to answer this, we are indeed able to redress our marginalized state.

p/s: aloness is not a pusnishment and a condemnation. it is a resource and an opportunity for growth and transformation.

The road without a map

... life that is. No map. You'll never know where your stopping point would be, you'll never know what lies ahead except few km in front, no sign of speed limit and no dead end. There is never gonna be a dead end. Thats the beauty of this road for a traveller like me.
I used to believe that by achieving something or by getting what i really wanted, I've reached my destination. Boy, how wrong tht was! It is just a transit not a destination. People get sick, depressed, dwelled themselves in melancholic situation, lost track of their journey few times and thought that they probably should take the simplest route. Why cant we set ourselves aside out of the road instead, take a time to figure out. Not on how to get back on track but to analyze on what we can learn in the next transit, the next few kilometres ahead. Nature doesnt happen twice. I believe that the wind that blew yesterday isnt going to be the same wind that blows today.

Ever wonder what will happen if we were given the map the day we were born? Is it possible that we would remember Him when we 'll be so caught up with things, busy running our lives accordingly.. finding the best route, avoiding the pain as best as we could, manipulating situation for the sake of our best interest. Are we not doing those things now.. even without the map?

The truth is, we dont really need a map. Faith is all we need. God created everything and He knows best about His creation. We may not have the exact same route with one another in this life but we do have the exact same best Guidance to go through the journey.