The brother i knew

Life and death is part of the game in our lives. I constantly remind myself that i shouldn't dwell myself too much in the death denying culture, death is scary. No it is not. Befriend with death, that's whut i told. Setiap yang hidup pasti akan mati, kematian itu benar..thats whut i heard in talqin at every funeral i attend. But to swallow the fact is another thing. Its bitter, its painful and it certainly moves u to a different phase for certain period of time. But someone dearly used to say, the mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death. But, death becomes him..

Perhaps its true. The mystery of love is much more greater than anything else in this world. He was the epitome of all the beautiful things on earth with so much love and passion for everyone and in everything he did. The brother that i knew never complains of any of his bad condition. Everytime we were in the hospital he kept being positive and kept convincing us things are going to be fine. And that when things are good, we would the whole family go for a vacation. He made us believe in it. We believed it even at the last moment before he was put on anesthetic. His last word was 'dun worry, things are going to be okay' before saying the kalimah syahada..

His strength, his positive mind, his passion, his strong faith in Allah and his love, are his great legacy. Al Fatihah dear bro Syed Ahmad Nawal.. we'll miss u so much.

the blank space

Every heart has a space to be filled. It doesnt matter in what form or what kind of a desire, as long as it is not left empty. Empty space creates a flaw, we believed. Somehow we tend to forget the more we tried to fill these empty spaces, the more we feel we're not good enough.

In some circumstances, we urge ourselves to find someone else to fill up the space for us. When that happens it may feels like the space gets bigger than it already is. The truth is, nothing and no one can help us in it.

Perhaps the blank space is meant to be the way it is. Blank. Maybe only then we find the true meaning of peace and serenity.

The Stillness

Everyday I hear friends making a fuss about work, the boring same old routine, being trapped in life that leave them no choice but to keep on with it. Each day seems painful to go through. Escapism does exists but for a short while. Happiness is a temporary, they said. Reality sucks, as they put it. Little that they know, by creating this vibe they are actually welcoming more bad energy. Cliche theory, you might say. Yes it is a theory but how hard can it be when you try to put it into practice. Keeping the good vibe. When it happens, you will be pulling more good energy. Living the life is not so much about what we receive rather, what we give. What you give, you get back. Hear that.. its even in Scorpion song.

Is human really a complex creature? We often want things we dont need. We want drama to happen once in a while and when it does, again, we wish it happen to somebody else. Wake up, we are no difference than others.

If there is one thing we should learn by hard is to take a time, dwell ourselves in the stillness moment. Some people put it as taffakur or meditation in any other form based on the custom or religious belief. The stillness moment is not as hard as it seems if we dont believe in sitting and closing the eyes. Its probably a symbolic way of being in that state.

We may be caught up with work and crisis that we forgot we are an entity that stands alone separated from other tangible elements. This separated entity knows it needs the moment of stillness because in that presence, the moment never lie of what state we are in, what we really need and what we really want. The stillness goes different direction from meditation, questioning our presence in the universe and the purpose of existence but making us indulging ourselves as part of the universe for a moment, appreciating each second that we are in and making the best of each moment no matter how bad it may seems. More than identifying the moment itself, it makes us feel the real feeling. Letting ourselves to feel the pain, the joy and the serenity that come all at once. All that exists in the stillness state are the wide space and our physical and spiritual presence and nothing else. Would it be hard to pick up the pieces of the missing puzzle when the only thing that exist is ourselves in an empty space? Would it still be hard to identify the crisis within ourselves when we are in the moment of transparency?

We do need the stillness moment because inside each of us we are all craving for answers.
Perhaps its just that we do not prefer to take the time moving ourselves out of the circle of the comfort zone. Living in denial seems more practical. We rather choose to be masochist, constantly hurting ourselves and make believe that it eventually will be okay. But what is good for the body is not necessary good for the soul.

Sherine Khalil, Athena and Nurul Izwa

On our first meeting, I was surprised that he could actually sumise in depth beyond other's understanding of whom I really am. That was before he introduced me to Sherine Khalil, the woman who prefers herself to be known as Athena.. a name of one of the Greek Goddess. We both have a lot in common. The difference between she and I, is the truth that we hold on to. She dares to meet with it and I dont. Some things are better left unknown. You see, its easy to be honest with others but to do that to yourself.. It takes a whole new perception and definition of what we are. What are we?

I'm a non-comformist so I rather not confirm myself to anything but rather let loose myself in everything. We are the constituent of the universe.. Everything has connection to one and another... more than that we share common traits. God-like traits are in us because we are His creature. definition limits our potential in every way. Whose idea was it in the first place I wonder... Athena understands that. Probably i understands her beyond the understanding within this limitation that defines her. We both have strong connection.. which sometimes scares me. Truth always scares me. note: I am not an existentialist.

What are we? Thats the question that lingers in us from time to time. If ever someone ask me that, here's the answer.. we are made of energy. Of course we are. Everything is made of energy. Energy evolve..reforms, change forms.. everything. Believing in this, I accept changes with open arms. Changes is good. Athena agreed. We both know, its not the drama, its not the past and it nothing to do with the environment that make us change. Ourselves a few second ago.. a few hours ago is different than ourselves at the present and will be different in the next few seconds, minutes.. hours later. Time is illusion, u dont feel it. Time is an illusion as we both agreed. All that exist is space. Wide space for us to be whoever we want to be. This is the real freedom that we sometimes overlooked. Why? Perhaps because we're so busy to fill in the blanks in us. Not every empty space needs to be filled. Let it remain empty. What space?! Didnt u know, u're preeched to be truthful... transparent. An overrated idea that makes this life seems so intense to live on. We dont need to answer everything about life. Let some be a mystery. I bet she would agree with me. Or not!

Athena was taught that we destroy and rebuild ourselves from time to time..we have the same pattern going on in life; lost and found, hate and love..from being in well-structured system to a complete out of the system. She was taught.. i had to discover that on my own. The common that we have is we accept it and dwell totally in it. Be in a complete presence and totally aware of the being. It drenched us sometimes but there's beauty in it.

Athena.. she danced but in a complete rhythmless motion. She said that it is the way of provoking a presence without any artificial means. I did (different form.. not dance) and I did it way before i met her. It was hard.. u see, that is our biggest fear. To do something completely out of norm.. out of the routine. we get intimidated so easily by it because we're so used to 'the system'. The system takes over our lives. I wasnt aware of what I did and the purpose I did it but I know it was the joy that I was addicted to... now that she made it clear, I wanted to feel every inch of this presence. Roasted chicken with chocolate syrup, tuna sandwich with peanut butter and jelly and fries dipped in vanila ice cream. I found something beyond this complete presence... the happiness within, the joy of every inch of my fear and the complete possibility of being a person called 'self'. I am the one who has the right to open the door of this possibility and no one else...

I'm glad he introduced me to her. more than knowing another person, he made me understand completely about who i am. thanks...

Single Stigma

Why does being single is always associated with being cursed? You are single and u are labelled as a person with some kind of a flaw. Walking around the street or sitting alone while enjoying the solitary moment and suddenly the eyes were looking, judging. In other case, being single is viewed as the only option that is left... big 'L' on the forehead that is.

Single is an option. An individual option that is, not in the society. But what does single means? Is it just a person with no love life, not being in a steady relationship or not in a relationship at all? It never occurs to me that being single has its own impact. A stigma, just like divorcee, widow, u name it. A dear friend who is single for many years, was complaining that Malaysian society are somewhat shallow in this notion. Parents kept on pushing her in finding her so-called soulmate as if the world is about to blow at anytime soon. As if they were afraid that when the time comes the leader of a tribe would take her as a sacrifice for a ritual. In a different situation, she was sitting alone in the middle of a crowd, with bunch of single girls and guys around (who came in groups) when suddenly she noticed that she was the center of attraction. It was definitely not the kind of attraction that we always want from strangers. It was as if there were voices mocking her present. The beauty of solitude crushed instantly. She knew at that moment, everyone noticed the status card that she was holding. S-I-N-G-L-E and it was a bad sign!

It is such an idiotic idea to perceive that people who choose to be single are those with flaws.. worse than those in a relationship. Only ignorants would view being single as being depressed, living a melancholic life with unhealthy state of mind. Cliche... its all cliche.

Forgiving and Forgetting

The act of forgiving a person who may have hurt us is seen as a noble thing to do. Forgetting it is another issue or another process. A good person is usually defined as one who can really forgive and forget things. It is difficult to say that whether the person is an evil or good by his or her reaction towards the idea both idea forgiving n forget. Some says it depends on how bad the scar have they left to us.

Hurt. How do we measure it? By the act that has been done upon us or the effect of it? It does has a connection with our capability of forgiving and forgetting things that a person did to us. We do forgive and forget little things that might cause us pain. But again, this is very subjective in its idea. Feelings are varies from one to another. How do we know that some things should be forgiven and some does not even deserve a second chance? Forgetting may take a longer time or may not at all compared to forgiving . Thus, we view that forgive and forget as two seperate entities. Are they, really?

I do believe that being humane is not just about what we contribute to the others, physically. Being humane is not only how we present ourselves to the others with the idea that we are very ethical in every aspect of life. Beyond that, humane takes us deeper than what we can see. The first step is to acknowledge ourselves as a person who is willingly to accept the notion of forgiving and forgetting, starting with ourselves. Instead of blaming our parents who are responsibled in shaping our bad worldview and negative ideas of certain things as the way it is, we should forgive them and forgive ourselves for it. Only then we can really move on to the next process, forgetting and thus, have a clear mind. When we have clear conscience, it doesnt matter how bad things can really hurt us, it can easily be forgiven and forgetten.

When I began to practise the act of forgiving and forgetting, the infinite beauty of being happy suddenly becomes clear. Forgiving someone and forgetting for what has been done is more than just about changing the personality within myself. The clear state of mind is what really matters the most. It is priceless. Only by then that everything else comes easily. On top of that not only it I attract good things for myself but it also attracts me to good vibes with other people.
Forgiving and forgetting is however a matter of choices. By not doing it, it is not an evil act. I've seen the two sides of the paths and each leads to different possibilities. But, there is no point of putting a grudge too long on someone. Deep down inside our heart we know it will definitely leave us feeling incomplete.

Goodbye old thoughts

A dear friend used to tell me that he likes tragic things.. he wanted drama in his life.I may not understand why but i know that people are naturally sadist.. probably masochist.I supposed being in a hospital isnt tragic enough for him. But then again, I wouldnt know. Hospital is the only place where you can see humanity at its best.. i think. Hospital is a place where u see love, compassion, hope, new beginning, end of another chapter of life. Pelik kan.. how we all view the same thing differently.

I've been thru so many things for the past years but i must admit that it was a chain from the old thought that i had. Eversince I lost a dear one in a car crash, I felt insecure...I cared so much about people around me. I lived in fear. Hence throughout the 7 years of being together with my ex fiance I kept reminding him to text me everytime he reached home. Sometimes he remembered, sometimes he didnt. Most of the time he ignored it. Prolly annoyed by the same ol' thing. I was a broken radio to him. I wouldnt blame him per se.I never told him why.. I never talked about it to anyone, I refused to reckon it as a trauma. That was a mistake. A dear friend told me I should not select my reality instead acknowledge every single event to help me moving on..

The old thoughts taught me that I must not be emotionally dependent even though at timesI felt that I'm very much fragile. The old thought said, ifI dont, I'll be crushed when he leaves me. Just like any other relationship before him. And because I kept having the thought... he left, even worse for some lame reason. So i told a dear friend, his past thought creates his present. If he kept thinking everyone being untrue and unfaithful, he gets what he wish for. U can actually do nothing about old thoughts except live out the past experiences they caused.

To a dear friend.. I learn now that resentment brings u nothing but pain... change is a natural law and for that i welcome it.. I hope u do too.

May the Almighty inspire us all with peace and insight to help us understand the intricacies and complexities of this life He has blessed us with and show us wisdom through His mercy and grace..ameen.