in a trance...

lovely day today.. its windy and a moment ago i enjoyed my salmon salad with chili lime dressing. it was a bit pedas but heck... it was good. holding a phone on one hand texting J and waited for his reply with a smile and texted him back with a smile. didnt bother to use the knife to cut the salmon nor the salad. i used hand. kita kan malaysian. hehehehe. the cherry tomato was good.. i simply luvvvv cherry tomato. the ice lemon tea was also heavenly. uhhh nothing could be more perfect than this..

thank u J..

weekend was good. food sucks even the creme brulee.. urghh! but theres nothing more exciting than meeting a good friend, cute adorable one.hahahahaha (mampus kalau he read this one!). J and i had planned earlier to exchange some readings and we did. sorry J, i should have lend u my One Hundred Years of Solitude. Gabriel Garcia Marques is more like Paulo Coelho. anyway thanks for The Witch of Portobello. as i told him, i dont just like it but in love with it. i love the story, love the character, the words and the ideas. i was in trance.. (doesnt need a dance to be in one). it hit me reading pages after pages. Athena resembles me. it surprised me that J even said the same thing. 'u actually reminds me of Athena'. *gulp* thank god.. thank god finally someone hit the exact spot. he understands.. now i know 'psychotic' is just a definition of someone who are lack of mental vocabs.. even Dr Aman. hmmphhh.

i got myself a copy of it. not for keep. i know i'll be addicted to it. u see, good books are like someone u wanna get close to or to get to know better. it has layers. each time u're with it, it gives u a different experience, different feelings, different sense of emotion.. probably it gets u horny.. bwahahahaha (never experience that though). once u get attach to it... its pretty hard to look for the other. until u feel that, there is no way u can judge it or create ur own idea about it. okay maybe the only person who really knows whut i'm actually talking about is J. i dont really need many to understand that, anyway.

i'm so excited to finish it to know the end but at the same time not wanting it to last.. like the Paddington dessert, Italianies Creme Brulee or sex even (hahahaha when was the last time i really enjoy it?!). thanks dear friend. its inspiring but more than that it really filled up the blank space. *u know what i'm talking about, dont u*

p/s: now i'm beginning to think if i have Gypsie blood runs in my veins.

Aman.. peace..the epitomy of all good things

Aman is another good friend for keep. probably if i have a big cupboard enough space to stuff this guy in i would. very inspiring guy, he sometimes can be a really pain in the ass with his truth (not entirely right bout the whole thing but seriously it can be ouch). i 've alway imagine the world would be not only a better place to live but heavenly if there's 100 of them like him. Aman cant be categorized as human being (at least thats whut i told him).. he should be an abstract, a concept or maybe a voice.. muse. like when u have him in ur cupboard.. and when u're down just open it (with enya song as background). no words needed and u'll be okay.

he might think i'm just another girl who need him to hang on to whenever i'm having emotional breakdown but the truth is, i got someone else for that. Aman taught me a lot about things in a very short period time. he got me thinking about spirituality seriously. thats whut i need. maybe he was right, i dont have that many friends whom i can turn to for this matter. i do actually. i tried to keep myself away from them.i actually cut them off from my list. it was like a blasphemy. okay i know thats evil. yikes!!!

if there is one thing i hate about him that would be the fact that he likes to analyze people... even me as his friend. i knew he did it on purpose but thats pretty much his nature i guess, a doctor. "u know what nurul, u have characters, so many ideas, brilliant yet psychotic and tragic", thats whut he said. i laughed so hard that i forgot i was sick at that moment he called all the way from UK. speak for urself Aman! he's even tragic than i am and probably i didnt want to say it out loud for the reason i might hurt his feeling. that would be the last thing i want to do now. hey, u'll never know when u're leaving this earth. hurting other people so deeply and not feeling sorry for it would not be in the list of things to do before i die. okay he did admit though we both two tragic people but i have a strong believe he's even worse than i am. heh!

he's coming back in june and if i'm still alive we would probably go backpacking together with sheena. he wanted to introduce me to his gf. i really look foward to it.. time will tell.

the many faces of aloneness

the famous scarlet letter A that once stood for 'Adultery' might now be said to stand for 'Alone'. a few month ago my best friends and i had a conversation about a woman being alone and to us, its seems pretty normal having that kind of life. we're the women who are basically examplifies many women today; independent, having respect to our worldly accomplishments, education, career status and having the ability to earn a decent living. however, we're also the other half who has no fear of aloneness. to be alone afterall, is a breeding ground for thought.

the problem with women today and probably the stigma in the society is that women alone is statusless, an outcast. bullshit! alone means u're able to self-identified as being an entity without feeling that u have to gauge ur desire according to men standard of measurement. instead of asking 'what does he want me to be?' we ask 'who are we?' and instead of asking 'what does he wants from me?' we ask 'what do i want for myself'. i lost myself in the 7 of being with someone.. only towards the end of my relationship that i realized being a woman alone is not virtually a euphemism for being flawed. falling in love is not an escapism of the aloness that i feared.

although the acceptance of aloneness can be hard for both women and men there is still one essential difference prevails. men who are alone are not marginalized. if anything , they are mythologized. solitary males have a heroic patina. and FUCK that!!!!

the most important question for women both within marriage and without including those who sculpt their own kind of 'marriage' is that whether the society respect our rights, encourage us to feel our own worth and protect us? being able to answer this, we are indeed able to redress our marginalized state.

p/s: aloness is not a pusnishment and a condemnation. it is a resource and an opportunity for growth and transformation.

The road without a map

... life that is. No map. You'll never know where your stopping point would be, you'll never know what lies ahead except few km in front, no sign of speed limit and no dead end. There is never gonna be a dead end. Thats the beauty of this road for a traveller like me.
I used to believe that by achieving something or by getting what i really wanted, I've reached my destination. Boy, how wrong tht was! It is just a transit not a destination. People get sick, depressed, dwelled themselves in melancholic situation, lost track of their journey few times and thought that they probably should take the simplest route. Why cant we set ourselves aside out of the road instead, take a time to figure out. Not on how to get back on track but to analyze on what we can learn in the next transit, the next few kilometres ahead. Nature doesnt happen twice. I believe that the wind that blew yesterday isnt going to be the same wind that blows today.

Ever wonder what will happen if we were given the map the day we were born? Is it possible that we would remember Him when we 'll be so caught up with things, busy running our lives accordingly.. finding the best route, avoiding the pain as best as we could, manipulating situation for the sake of our best interest. Are we not doing those things now.. even without the map?

The truth is, we dont really need a map. Faith is all we need. God created everything and He knows best about His creation. We may not have the exact same route with one another in this life but we do have the exact same best Guidance to go through the journey.

recovery to discovery...

as i was listening to Eric Benet's Hurricane, it suddenly hit me that this guy is a genius. he knows exactly whut i feel and what i've been trying to say out loud all this while..

Surrounded by everything I want.

But nothing that I need

I was blinded by the absurdity

Losing all identity

Sometimes what you fear the most is what you need

To find that road

Right around that curve a lesson learned

Now that I have the eyes to see

i forgot my principle and what i valued the most in life, satisfaction in things i learn. i wouldnt blame him per se. it was my choice. i dwelled myself in his life.. loved him too much tht i completely abandoned myself. his ideal of happiness lies in material things. the truth is, i never cared those things. i cant never imagine myself living in a duplex and feel contented. i hardly imagine myself driving Meseratti and feeling like i'm at the top of the world. does that make me unambitious? there's more in life to look at in terms of satisfaction than having luxury car and house or earn money more than the rest and becomes the idol in that sense. knowledge, spiritual balance is all i want. i was too afraid to admit it.

a dear friend has really opened my eyes. from him i learn to get up and be myself again. probably now it gives me a whole new perspective towards changes, self-acceptance and the real meaning of self-love. it has nothing to do with selfishness at all. they said, love changes form and i'd say they are damn right about it.

insyallah i'll be continuing my studies in June. there's a lot of things too that i need to learn and things i'm yet to discover. i'm not afraid of the facts, the truth and the consequesnces. i'm welcoming challenges with open arms because only by that it enables the ruh and the jasd to be connected in the same wave.

time is an illusion

i constantly remind myself that time is an illusion. when u want something so bad, its not the matter of how long the process takes. let Allah determines that. our job is to do what it takes to get what we want. i was a big procrastinator till something so hard hit me. probably i deserved that to recogn my existence and to find the true happiness that lies within.

a dear friend, Sheena used to quote from Sex & The City when Charlotte said it takes half of the years of the relationship to heal a broken heart. i supposed in my case, it'll take 3 years to fully recover since i've been in 6 years and a half of relationship. that long huh! i dont think i wanna suffer that long. i can achieve a lot within three years if i dont moan over a fickle- minded douchebag who tried to crushed me down.

there is no manual of healing a broken heart except self-consciousness. hehehe.. even if there is a manual for it, that's just for commercial. just like any other wound, this wound takes a process to heal but u can never dwell urself too much in it. even ourselves doesnt solely belong to us. so it wouldnt be fair to crush and destroy what has been loaned to us from Allah. i took a time.. a short period of time to feel the pain and taste the reality that fed me. probably i was born a masochist that i wanted to feel it to the max and be in that fear before i decided to get up and move on. there was no better solution than being so close to myself. friends can give u the courage but at the end of the day u can only hang to urself for strength. face the music and dance.

who says history tells you nothing but the past?! Hiroshima was badly destroyed and the people suffered. but they managed to rise up and even intimidate some of the most powerful countries. lets just imagine if the Hiroshima case happened in Msia.. hahahhaa. die laa! we are way too much pampered. just like our feelings. if we pampered it and let ourselves drown in the emotion, it eventually eats us up like bad cells... that turns cancerous. knowing what we want is much more important than to figure out how are we going to deal with it. i know that i want to heal but i completely have no clue on how. thats not my job to think of. Allah knows what i want and He'll show me the way. in fact He already show some. one door close millions would open.

within these few days i have so many things going on that i finally understand what ' things happen for reasons' is all about. my proposal to the Education Department has been approved.. i didnt expect it considering the economic situation now but it did. we're signing up a 1.8 million of one year contract to run a program with them. too good to be true..thats what i had in mind but i had enough of telling myself i dont deserve a good thing in life. if this is the case and it happen too soon, thats just my old mind thinking. u see, we always defined things that we want by measuring it to the period of time. social definition.. and where does it takes u? naaa.. i'm moving out of the circle. if i want my dream duplex or my meserati and imagine i have the ability to have it, i will have it and it doesnt necessarily after 10 years or so. i believe the concept since i've wanted to lose the memory of the 7 years so badly and i have lost most of it now. time is just an illusion.